Depth

So here I am at home, thinking a lot about stuff, my friends, both here and back home... and yeah just reflecting about this word... depth.

Ok, so to start, let me just state that for a long time I considered my self a fairly deep person. Conversationally, mentally, even spiritually; I would search for the reason behind statements, seek to understand the truths behind any facade. A lot of people commented that I was rather serious and (occasionally they said) mature for my age, and I believe that it is still a fairly common consensuses that I think too much... especially by the people who really know me.

So fast forward a few years and you've got this massive paradox (that is Josh Loke). On one hand, I'm a rather outgoing guy who loves to be the center of attention (I'm working on being less so), loves to talk, and enjoys rendering epic tales of his life (often embellished) to large groups of disbelieving and easily impressionable people. On the other, I'm still largely the same guy, who wants to engage in deep and meaningful conversations with people, who wants to know people better then I already do... who wants to develop deep friendships... cause I like having close friends... who doesn't. Plus I trust easily, and apparently (though I can't really tell) I'm easy to trust and talk to in return.

However the problem that I'm beginning to notice is this: it's hard to do both. A simple problem to say, yet a very complex issue. On one hand there is benefit to being outgoing, to be visible. It aids in your leadership, allows you to meet people without making them feel that uncomfortable, and it makes for an attention grabbing personality, allowing you to witness for the Kingdom, share your opinions etc. etc..

Yet the flip side to that is seeming fake, overly loud, attention seeking, flirtatious, obnoxious... not to mention the fact that it's very hard to switch gears into a deep conversation with people that actually means anything... and plus, D&M's are much easier 1 to 1.

So far I've tried to walk the balance. I'm not saying that I've come anywhere near the mark, nor do I think that I'm a pro at being both. I know I've got LOTS of flaws (and I truthfully do know that I have lots of strengths too). It's just that lately I've felt like I'm drifting away from the deeper side of me, in essence becoming more shallow. This is definitely something that I don't want to happen.

Part of the issue stems also from leaving Melbourne. I didn't realize it when I prepared to come to HK, but a large part of my security and support was tied up in my friends and family back home. Sure my brother loves to bag my singing and guitar playing, but I also knew that he would always have my back if I need to talk to him about anything that he did that I didn't have a clue about. :P I could rest assured that my parents would love me, even if I did get 10 demerit points in my license, and they'd make sure that I'd have food to eat. I knew that I could call up any of my close friends when I was feeling down, that I could go tree climbing in random parks with M, chill out with Al at his place and battle over singstar with S... that sense of security, love, family... these are all things that we as humans NEED (God made us that way)... and there are people who we have found who provide for those needs.

However when you leave that support network, your security drops, often unconsciously. You have to go to new places by yourself, make new friends without the safety net of your old friends. No longer can you invite people into your "groups" but you gotta be part of other cliches and face the inevitable rejection and assimilation. Not to scare you... just keeping it real you know.

I think different people will have fairly unique reactions to this stress... not just of making new friends, but just a whole new environment without the support. For me... I reverted to my Kheldar days, being even louder, MORE obnoxious, talkative and more arrogant (can you imagine!). I recall all the times that I talked myself up since getting here, exaggerating a lot of my valid skills to a level they weren't... I even started to flirt more than I probably should have (considering that I'm not looking for a girl while here...)

I'm actually very grateful that God caught my attention and made me see what was happening, through various things that people said and through the Word. I was pretty ashamed and very convicted... but I realized why at the same time... and it's good... I didn't feel condemned. I know that I'm still a Child of God, loved by the King, and that he just wants the best for me. Also acting out in that way is definitely NOT the best way to make new friends ;).

So I guess I'm trying to re-uncover the depth in my own spirit and soul that I've buried over the past few months. Looking forward to going back, if only so I can just be myself among people I know well. Recharge and then return, remembering that my ultimate security comes from God. He designed us for community, but even in the midst of being utterly alone, we can still survive through him.

Ohh yes and I'm am slowly beginning to make some really close friends here... but it takes time yeah?