Thoughts at 12 am

So yeah, I was heading off to bed early yesterday, but because I'm about to start on my next epic novel (I don't feel like finishing the Trinited Throne) I was re-reading Salvation, and need to find my OLD notes about the 2nd story that I was considering in the series. As I started to dig through my old notebooks of doom (ie I'd be doomed if anything happened to them while I was writing in them, they had my uni notes, church notes, Magic decks, story ideas... EVERYTHING) I A: realized that I couldn't find my notes...(which was very annoying) B: that I've changed a WHOLE lot in the past 2 years... over 2006 and 2007.

Then I spotted my 21st books, the booklets that were available at my party for various people to write in and say really cool stuff about me; the one time in your life where your friends try to puff up your ego. All for a good cause I suppose. So yeah I started to read through them, and began to reflect...

I was struck by how many awesome things people had to say about me. People who I knew well, who I didn't, who I thought liked me, who I thought didn't... granted it WAS my 21st, and very few people would say anything negative... however if even 50% of the people meant 50% of what they said, that's a whole lot of appreciation, respect and admiration.

And I'm not using this as a chance to say, "woo, look at how popular I am," but rather I'm trying to highlight an interesting point. Apart from a couple of very special friends, no one had mentioned anything of what they thought about me prior to my 21st. Granted, it would get old if any one person came up to me everyday and said "hey Josh, I think you're an awesome person with a great personality, and it shows!" or something such... however just recently I wrote a bit of a letter to a friend who I really appreciated, and the exact response was "You just made my day =) Thanks Josh!"

I was thinking about that, how often do we really share our appreciation with our friends for how amazing they truly are? Even the ones who I hang out with every week, or see more than most. Are we, as Christians, not called to be set apart by the love that we show to one another? Can we not also take that same spirit and share it with our friends who don't necessarily believe what we do? Isn't it a good thing to make someone's day?

Do you think it's just coincidence that we like hanging out with people who say nice things about us? Who give truthful and thoughtful compliments based on experience and observation? I don't think so.

While I by no means claim to have even STARTED this practice (let alone mastered it) in my own life, I believe it's something that we can all start to do more. Generosity with our words is powerful, and we can all exercise it more. Do your friends really know how much you appreciate them? Do your parents? Your siblings? Why don't you tell them, just in a few words, or small card, a quick hug, just how much they mean to you ;). I can promise that it won't hurt.

***

The next thought that I began to reflect on (yes this will be a LONG blog... I think a lot) is my own insecurity.

To many people, I can come across as pretty confident, even arrogant, in my own self assurance and ability to get things done, make friends etc etc. While it's true, I do have a lot of confidence in my ability to do certain things (through God and the gifts that he's given me), like every human I struggle with feelings of low self-worth, but also for me, even more so I struggle with what people think of me.

What I fear/hate the most about humanity is the practice of thinking one thing of a person in reality, but in interaction with them acting like you think something different. Being fake, I hate that... all the more because I know that's one of the things that I need to work on more myself. It's ironic that all the things that most get to me about other people are the same things that get to me about myself. Maybe I'm consistent like that.

See in reading my 21st books again, I began to realize that my conceptions of many people and what they thought of me were for the most part false. It can creep into a person's mind that all people sees are our mistakes, our failings, our weaknesses... but really they also see our good points, our victories, our strengths too..

So I started to feel better... then it hit me.

I really do care too much about what other people think.

I mean sure, it's great to have a good reputation, it helps us evangelize and be taken seriously. It's a key to witnessing and if we live godly, Spirit filled lives, we will naturally bear fruit that others will like... however our security and our worth comes from only one source, from Jesus... as cliche as that is as a Christian. So often we forget that! We can recite the 10 commandments, study about Spiritual gifts, seek God daily in prayer... yet still be so tied up in how other people view us that our walk with God is crippled by perceptions... both ours... of how much people must dislike us... but also of their's, and ultimately how little they matter.

I do believe that a godly reputation is a good thing, something that we should pursue... but don't let the quest for the good opinion of others be your driving force. Aim for the opinion of God over all.

***
Hmm I've decided to write about depth another time ;) This is already quite long.